I sometimes put Spotify or my iPod on shuffle and say “the song that comes up next explains x situation”. It is a hangover from when I was in the grips of delusional disorder. I tend to take it with a pinch of salt these days now.
For example, I had a great date with a glamourous, intelligent, well travelled and stunning looking French academic. It was nice to visit his world for the evening and spend time feeling glamourous and drinking red wine, but it is not my life and nor do I want it to be, I knew that it would be our one and only date. The morning after our date, I said “the next song will say what happens next with this guy” and my iPod treated me to “Be your husband” by Jeff Buckley. I just laughed.
So when I say that when I have recently said “the next song summarizes my love life” and have repeatedly got “Giving up on Love” by Slow Club as the song chosen for me by Spotify please know I am taking this with a pinch of salt. I don’t think that Spotify is telling me something here, but I do laugh and this time because it is true. Sort of.
For a long time, I thought romantic love was the great goal of my life. I thought that if I met my “other half” I might finally reach completion, or that they would rescue me from myself, or that it would prove I have some value in this world. But now I realise I can get all those things without romantic love and that I don’t need to be rescued, I can get there myself (even if walking is a wee bit slower than being whisked away on a white horse). I’ve also been addressing my own issues of tending to date messed up people in a bit of a codependent worrying trend. I fell into a spell of thinking I needed to be needed. I do not need to be needed as much as I need to be free.
This does not mean I am living a life free of love, however. My life is filled to bursting with love, from friends, from family, from followers on social media. My life is overflowing with love and for that, I am very grateful. I think the lack of a big romantic love has allowed me space to see all the other love I have in my life and truly appreciate it.
But romantic love? To quote the Slow Club song “I’ve been tired and hopeful for far too long now” and time off is proving restorative to my tiredness, the hopefulness, of course, remains.