You might have noticed my recent posts on how it gets better (but not right away) and the importance of self-care?
Well, I got a wretched lesson in both those things over the last few days. I’ve not talked about all the things that went wrong with my divorce but there were a lot of paperwork issues that made it an unnecessarily drawn out process. To be honest, I started to fear it might never happen and I would somehow be married to Twig forever. It did happen in the end though, but after so many false starts, instead of getting a feeling of joy or relief I felt mostly exhausted.
What followed was a painfully slow, and entirely predictable, shift back into depression town. I had a massive panic attack on Saturday morning and by Tuesday felt utterly worthless. Somehow though, despite feeling like there was no point, I kept at my self-care practice, I walked, I drank water, I took my medication and I took care of me. I did all that for a future I didn’t really expect to happen, and then I woke up this morning and stretched all the tension out of my muscles. It is not a bolt from the blue, I am not out of the woods, but I can see a route to feeling like me again. It feels like it could happen when yesterday it did not.
So here in the last few days, I have lived what I write. I was helped by my friends to get to this place. For a long time after my relationship ended, I went looking for love. I had not realised that my life was already filled with love, unconditional love, from friends and family or that I was capable of loving myself. I’ll be honest and say I did not love myself much, if at all, for those 4 days but I kept acting like I did (in the good way where I take care of the people I love).
Acting like I loved myself reminded me every day that someone cared, that I cared, and while I did that my friends reminded me that they cared too. I did not feel worthy of love, but I was loved and I knew the rest would follow.
Once more I am sharing this to help someone else. So you know it can get better and so you know I do not have it all worked out! I have good days and bad days all the time. I still fall backwards and stumble and I always will. It is okay to stumble, it is okay to fall, it is okay to think you cannot get back up on your own. These things do not define you, these things will not define you. You are loved. Keep going.